Since my last post, things have been picking up on the donation front. The Psych evaluation came and went, the legal paperwork has been signed, monitoring clinics have been selected, and the retrieval doctor and clinic have been notified that we are moving forward. At this point, I am just waiting to get a schedule and get for initial screening, which, if my guesses are correct will happen after this next period.
I have been doing well on my healthy living and diet. I have had a swarm of weddings and other events lately and I have either not drank or had one or two drinks at these events. No glass of vino with my dinner anymore. I do kind of miss it because it was nice to unwind with a glass of wine and a nice hot meal. But, there are bigger things at stake here. I am worried about damaging anyone’s chances of getting enough viable eggs, afterall, I do have genetics going against me.
The psych evaluation was no eventful to say the least. I hate to say it but think these are kind of pointless. People know what other people want to hear…it sucks that I am saying this but it’s true. Someone can be lying through their teeth over the phone because they want to be matched and collect the money. The psychologist is just too long winded for me. Also, he was not prepared. I have done many of these and they always ask, what happens if I become infertile, how can I guarantee that I won’t ever go after the biological child that may result or have resulted from my previous donations. These are probably the two legitimate questions. I always say, it’s not DNA that makes you a good parent, it’s who raised you and how you were raise. I guess it’s hard to believe that some women would choose to do this. But I’ve always said, I’m not using them why can’t someone else? Especially someone as wonderful as Couple E.
Now, you’re probably wondering why I seem to know so much about Couple E. Actually, I don’t know anything about them. I don’t even know their first names. We are, as usual, in an anonymous donation. However, I have had the opportunity to talk to them. I feel really connected to them. It’s always harder to donate for people you don’t know anything about but know everything about you, including what day your period starts. It was nice, for once to see what these people were about. Not to the point of identification but just to know that they are real people, good people, who just need a little bit of help. Not that I didn’t want to donate to those who don’t want to chat or meet me or whatever. It’s just nice to put a name or a voice to the person you are trying to help.
I am starting to get really nervous about not producing enough eggs. I am also worried that I will have to stop working out soon because it’s not good for the stimulation. I have been on a work out kick for a few months so it’s going to be weird went I can’t go. I am also trying to lose 20lbs in the next few months. I have a feeling the meds will only make me more bloated. I am not overweight by any means, but as I’m getting older, my body just feels looser. I want to look good for next summer. I also want to feel good. I have a feeling donations really don’t help with that since I will be pumped full of hormones. And being women we already have a tendency to carry extra weight.
I will probably be up for one more donation after this, my 6th, well, actually my 7th if you count the canceled one. Then I will officially retire. There have been rumblings that I may have another match already lined up. Ideally, I would want that match in my city. I am kind of tired of traveling and taking time off of work. I will have to think about. Or maybe I will just go into retirement early. I am thinking about starting a family of my own in a few years. And my eggs aren’t getting any younger. We’ll see. When the time comes, I guess I will have to make the tough call. But until then, just keeping positive thoughts and my fingers crossed that this one is successful and we have a lot of viable eggs and a healthy and happy 9 months after.

ETA: I am currently on my cycle for Couple D, not Couple C. And therefore the future one would be for Couple E. Just wanted to correct it.

So it's about that time of the night when I shoot up like a drug addict--well, sort of. The good 5 to 7 minutes I spend a night disinfecting and mixing my potions and concoctions only to jab it into my achy tummy. Yeah, the bruises have started. Hell, the bruises on my arms have started. I am never squeamish about needles but when a newbie lab tech is wiggling the needle back and forth, back and forth, up and down, and even at one point, pulling the needle out of my arm, I had sweaty palms up the wazoo. I literally thought I was either going to 1) punch her in the face as hard as possible for causing me excruciating and unnecessary pain; 2) pull out needle and run for my life ; 3) pass out because it hurt so much. Yeah, and the "veteran" lab tech was useless, he too decided to get in on the game of wiggling the needle that was attached to my arm. What is this? Amature hour? Or did I miss the memo about punishing donors for no reason other than to see them sweat and squirm?

My nightly shots have been giving me a bit of anxiety. Why? Well, I haven't been able to find the "sweet spot" lately. I have been giving myself hesitation pricks and everywhere I shoot up, hurt like there's no tomorrow. It's all been every nerve wracking and painful. The Menopur is also kicking my butt. My Menopur dose is kind of large, granted, and I do put it all in one syringe, but geez...its like acid under my skin. Not to mention the little bubble of fluid that pop up wherever I inject. Yes, bubbles. They are about pencil eraser sized bubbles that pop up and last for about an hour. It's right under my skin and is tender to the touch. Its almost like too much liquid was put in that spot so it is just sitting and waiting to be soaked in. I think that may actually be the case, but how many times and how many spots do I want to have Menopur injected in? Have I mentioned that it burns? Not to mention, the other injection sites, of Follistim and Lupron have also been bubbling too. Urgh. The other night I noticed that where I injected the Follistim looked like it was elastic and rubbery when I pulled the needle out. It kind of freaked me out a little bit. Never noticed it before and it really freaked me out.

On another note, everything is going well. Looks like we have upper teens worth of eggies growing in there. They are on track to be ready sometime next week. I hope we get lots of good, mature, and viable eggs for Couple D. Only time will tell. I really contemplated a drink tonight (alcoholic) but decided that I couldn't chance it. It's been a rough few days, I probably would have liked it, but hey, I can have a drink later. Now, if only my stomach looked presentable enough for the beach. Unfortunately, it's pretty speckled with needle pricks and bruises, I don't think that's going to happen. I look like I lost a battle with homeless drug addicts that didn't have a knife so they decided to "needle" me. Oh well, this too shall pass. I am starting to feel full and bloated. Today I had a slight twinge in my left ovary. Fun.

I was thinking today that I may back out of my donation for Couple E. I am starting to feel like I am doing too much. Too many donations crammed into my daily life. Too many appointments mixed with my own errands. Too many don'ts that outweigh the dos that I can do. I feel like I don't have much control of my life. Yes, in the grand scheme of things my donations only take up a small part of my life. But, I have basically been doing donation after donation since September. It is now almost August. Each donation takes a month of prep, at least, for initial screening, contacts, match agreements, day 3 and 10 blood work and ultrasounds. I have to start pills almost a month before. I start Lupron weeks before. I start stims 10 days before the official donation. When all is said and done, its at least 3 months of my life per donation. I haven't had a drink without thinking about how this is going to affect the next donation. I haven't had caffeine without worrying. I went off the pill for better results. I am worried about the job situation and getting enough time off for the next one. I worry what will happen if the donation for Couple E is pushed back a few days, how do I explain why I am not back to work? Then what? How do I explain that away? You can't be at a destination wedding for 8 days when you were only planning on being there for 6. I am trying to start a new life, with a new job. I just don't know if I will be able to do that and Couple E's donation--at least not right away. It's just too much too soon. I am also struggling with knowing I will disappoint them if I back out. I would hate doing that. But I would hate even more if I go back on my word. I am nothing if I am not honest. I would feel like I lied. So now, it's me, stuck, between a rock and a hard place...ugh...I have no answers.