Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Good news, there are quite a few eggs! Its in the late teens. So, me going off the bcp was worth it. It really does make a difference in my case. Another bit of good news, the trigger shot is not in my butt! YAY! Its supposed to be in the stomach like the others. Which is music to my ears. I dread that shot more than the Menopur. I have developed a few new big bruises on my stomach. It's been a bit tender too. Some of the shots have been going pretty badly--as I mentioned before. It's hard to shoot up when its so painful. At least the end is near.

I am still rethinking the donation for Couple E. I just don't know if I have that kind of time right now to devote to do something like this again. My life is just now speeding back up. Not only do I have to have full day off for the initial screening, I will also need quite a few mornings off for the monitoring. I need to think about it, hard. If only I hadn't signed up for another one so soon. I realized that when I am finishing up with one donation, that's when I second guess the next one the most. So let's see where I stand after I get off this cycle and have my life back for alittle while. Then I will know if I am ready to do this again--so soon anyways. The retrieval is upon us, I hope Couple D gets some good eggs for their cycle!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

ETA: I am currently on my cycle for Couple D, not Couple C. And therefore the future one would be for Couple E. Just wanted to correct it.

So it's about that time of the night when I shoot up like a drug addict--well, sort of. The good 5 to 7 minutes I spend a night disinfecting and mixing my potions and concoctions only to jab it into my achy tummy. Yeah, the bruises have started. Hell, the bruises on my arms have started. I am never squeamish about needles but when a newbie lab tech is wiggling the needle back and forth, back and forth, up and down, and even at one point, pulling the needle out of my arm, I had sweaty palms up the wazoo. I literally thought I was either going to 1) punch her in the face as hard as possible for causing me excruciating and unnecessary pain; 2) pull out needle and run for my life ; 3) pass out because it hurt so much. Yeah, and the "veteran" lab tech was useless, he too decided to get in on the game of wiggling the needle that was attached to my arm. What is this? Amature hour? Or did I miss the memo about punishing donors for no reason other than to see them sweat and squirm?

My nightly shots have been giving me a bit of anxiety. Why? Well, I haven't been able to find the "sweet spot" lately. I have been giving myself hesitation pricks and everywhere I shoot up, hurt like there's no tomorrow. It's all been every nerve wracking and painful. The Menopur is also kicking my butt. My Menopur dose is kind of large, granted, and I do put it all in one syringe, but geez...its like acid under my skin. Not to mention the little bubble of fluid that pop up wherever I inject. Yes, bubbles. They are about pencil eraser sized bubbles that pop up and last for about an hour. It's right under my skin and is tender to the touch. Its almost like too much liquid was put in that spot so it is just sitting and waiting to be soaked in. I think that may actually be the case, but how many times and how many spots do I want to have Menopur injected in? Have I mentioned that it burns? Not to mention, the other injection sites, of Follistim and Lupron have also been bubbling too. Urgh. The other night I noticed that where I injected the Follistim looked like it was elastic and rubbery when I pulled the needle out. It kind of freaked me out a little bit. Never noticed it before and it really freaked me out.

On another note, everything is going well. Looks like we have upper teens worth of eggies growing in there. They are on track to be ready sometime next week. I hope we get lots of good, mature, and viable eggs for Couple D. Only time will tell. I really contemplated a drink tonight (alcoholic) but decided that I couldn't chance it. It's been a rough few days, I probably would have liked it, but hey, I can have a drink later. Now, if only my stomach looked presentable enough for the beach. Unfortunately, it's pretty speckled with needle pricks and bruises, I don't think that's going to happen. I look like I lost a battle with homeless drug addicts that didn't have a knife so they decided to "needle" me. Oh well, this too shall pass. I am starting to feel full and bloated. Today I had a slight twinge in my left ovary. Fun.

I was thinking today that I may back out of my donation for Couple E. I am starting to feel like I am doing too much. Too many donations crammed into my daily life. Too many appointments mixed with my own errands. Too many don'ts that outweigh the dos that I can do. I feel like I don't have much control of my life. Yes, in the grand scheme of things my donations only take up a small part of my life. But, I have basically been doing donation after donation since September. It is now almost August. Each donation takes a month of prep, at least, for initial screening, contacts, match agreements, day 3 and 10 blood work and ultrasounds. I have to start pills almost a month before. I start Lupron weeks before. I start stims 10 days before the official donation. When all is said and done, its at least 3 months of my life per donation. I haven't had a drink without thinking about how this is going to affect the next donation. I haven't had caffeine without worrying. I went off the pill for better results. I am worried about the job situation and getting enough time off for the next one. I worry what will happen if the donation for Couple E is pushed back a few days, how do I explain why I am not back to work? Then what? How do I explain that away? You can't be at a destination wedding for 8 days when you were only planning on being there for 6. I am trying to start a new life, with a new job. I just don't know if I will be able to do that and Couple E's donation--at least not right away. It's just too much too soon. I am also struggling with knowing I will disappoint them if I back out. I would hate doing that. But I would hate even more if I go back on my word. I am nothing if I am not honest. I would feel like I lied. So now, it's me, stuck, between a rock and a hard place...ugh...I have no answers.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Full speed ahead!

I have been taking nightly Lupron shots and things are going well. Lupron and Follistim never give me much trouble. It's Menopur that burns and hurts. I did have a hesitation shot the other night, where I punctured my skin but just couldn't push the needle any further. It's like pricking yourself for fun-but not. No bruising or swelling, but there never is until I start the Menopur. Can I just say one more time how much I HATE Menopur injections.

So far everythings going along swimmingly. I haven't had but maybe two cups of tea during this cycle. I stopped drinking coffee for when I signed on for Couple C, so I just kept that going for Couple D. I also have not been drinking alcohol, as usual. I did break down and had a sangria the other night. I am still taking my Women's One A Day Vitamin and an extra dose of Folic Acid.

The "Bob Barker mic" tells the doctor that everything is going as planned. So I am just waiting to start the stim meds. I hope this one goes well and we get lots of matured eggies!

Friday, July 04, 2008

It didn't take.... I feel overwhelmingly sad for the IPs. But there isn't much more I can do, I know this. It's logic. But still. I feel horrible, almost like hearing a family member lost a baby.

I can't really dwell much on the lack of success of the third cycle--I am moving on to the fourth. Things are just starting so nothing too exciting has happened. So far just the same old stuff of vitamins and bcp. One ultrasound down and bloodwork. All is quiet in the neighborhood. I am second guessing if I should post any future self-inflicted/injection-related photos. I was actually really caught off guard the first time I saw that belly shot up on someone else's site. I am sure there are still PLENTY of bruises and swelling that I can photograph and post, but I am not really sure where I stand on seeing them on others' sites, not in a selfish way, but more in the invasion of privacy kind of way. Which is silly since I am posting my business on the world wide web...kind of says it all, doesn't it? I just think that sometimes, photos speak louder than any words that I could type here. I guess that's just something to review on a case by case basis. For those that really come onto this site to see what it's like for a donor, well, do you think I would be cheating you out of the full experience if I don't post photos? I guess in the back of my mind, I have to wonder if anyone can figure out it's me? Crazy right?

So, Couple D and I have just started the journey--I really hope they have a successful IVF round and get pregnant. I don't know how they can take it when they end up not getting pregnant. Actually, the other day when I was in for my ultrasound and blood, another patient was in the adjoining room. She must have gotten bad news cause she wailed and sobbed for a good 10 minutes...so loudly that my heart broke for her. I think that's the sound a mother makes when she loses a child. I hope whoever she is, she is able to pick up the pieces and move on to try again. My heart goes out to her. For those that come to my blog to find out if it's the money that drives us--no. If you had been there that morning...you would know it couldn't be about the money. It's about stopping that cry. It's about tears of joy instead of sadness and loss. I know it sounds silly, but I felt a loss when I was informed that Couple C did not get pregnant. A large part of me blamed myself. I wondered if I had done something wrong? Did I do everything I could? I guess in this thing that we do, it cannot always be win-win. But I really wish it could be.