Friday, July 04, 2008

It didn't take.... I feel overwhelmingly sad for the IPs. But there isn't much more I can do, I know this. It's logic. But still. I feel horrible, almost like hearing a family member lost a baby.

I can't really dwell much on the lack of success of the third cycle--I am moving on to the fourth. Things are just starting so nothing too exciting has happened. So far just the same old stuff of vitamins and bcp. One ultrasound down and bloodwork. All is quiet in the neighborhood. I am second guessing if I should post any future self-inflicted/injection-related photos. I was actually really caught off guard the first time I saw that belly shot up on someone else's site. I am sure there are still PLENTY of bruises and swelling that I can photograph and post, but I am not really sure where I stand on seeing them on others' sites, not in a selfish way, but more in the invasion of privacy kind of way. Which is silly since I am posting my business on the world wide web...kind of says it all, doesn't it? I just think that sometimes, photos speak louder than any words that I could type here. I guess that's just something to review on a case by case basis. For those that really come onto this site to see what it's like for a donor, well, do you think I would be cheating you out of the full experience if I don't post photos? I guess in the back of my mind, I have to wonder if anyone can figure out it's me? Crazy right?

So, Couple D and I have just started the journey--I really hope they have a successful IVF round and get pregnant. I don't know how they can take it when they end up not getting pregnant. Actually, the other day when I was in for my ultrasound and blood, another patient was in the adjoining room. She must have gotten bad news cause she wailed and sobbed for a good 10 minutes...so loudly that my heart broke for her. I think that's the sound a mother makes when she loses a child. I hope whoever she is, she is able to pick up the pieces and move on to try again. My heart goes out to her. For those that come to my blog to find out if it's the money that drives us--no. If you had been there that morning...you would know it couldn't be about the money. It's about stopping that cry. It's about tears of joy instead of sadness and loss. I know it sounds silly, but I felt a loss when I was informed that Couple C did not get pregnant. A large part of me blamed myself. I wondered if I had done something wrong? Did I do everything I could? I guess in this thing that we do, it cannot always be win-win. But I really wish it could be.

2 comments:

Summer said...

I'm sorry to hear couple C didn't get pregnant. There are so many reasons why it didn't happen for them, I hope you don't dwell too much on whether it was your fault or not. Try to keep in mind that DE often gives recipients a better chance at success than with their eggs and hopefully, there were embryos to freeze and couple C has more chances at this.

Good luck with your next donation!

Winter said...

I started reading your blog two months ago when I started my DEIVF journey. You don't know how much you have given to other people, not just your IPs but those who come across your blog. I feel I am more connected to my donor by reading your blog. You are very kind to think from a IP perspective. I agree with Summer there are so many reasons for things happening. No matter what you do or don't, things just happen. It is unfortunately the cruelty of the IVF journey. I hope I can give the couple C a big hug for what they have though through and wish them a success soon. I also want to thank you for what you've been through. I can feel the sadness from your writing toward the struggling of the couple C and the other IP in your doctor's clinic.

Wish you and couple D a lot of luck in this upcoming cycle.

Winter