I spoke too soon. Don't know yet what will happen. But apparently, my results came back and there is a concern.

Apparently, no news is good news. I completed my clomid challenge on Saturday. This time around, the lab was quick and had all the stuff together. I was happy to get in and out in 25 minutes. I spoke to my coordinator and she said that she hadn't heard anything from the clinic so everything is still a go. I am starting to get excited about this whole thing. I am happy that I can help someone.

This whole egg thing must be on my subconcious because I keep having dreams about it. I dreamt, recently, that I had PCOS. Not a good thing. But apparently, I could still donate in the dream. I never knew what PCOS was until I decided to donate. Ever since, I try to read other people's blogs and get as much information on the donation process and their experiences. It's been extremely helpful. I hope that this journal helps someone else in return. Nothing too exciting happening to me yet, but in the long run, I hope it helps someone.

In a while, I will be travelling to the clinic. It's exciting to know that we are just that much closer to making this happen for someone. I know there is no guarantee that a positive result will come of this. But it's good to know that there is a chance. I do have to wonder if the IPs think this way too? This is an expensive process and I hope that they do not have to do it multiple times. From what I understand, some insurance covers treatment, but there are alot others that don't. So in a way, all their eggs are in my basket.

It is a weird situation that we have set up. By we, I mean the egg donation process. The IPs know what I look like and I believe they know my first name. Years from now, if we pass on the street, won't they recognize me? Whereas, I have no idea who they are. I guess it doesn't matter. I think it would be awkward to meet your biological child while walking from the grocery store. I read somewhere that most people keep the donated egg thing a secret from the child and from everyone else. This makes sense and I can understand why some people do it. Afterall, only the couple and those that directly participated in the donation process will know the egg is not theirs. The mom will still carry the baby to term. It is a personal choice that they have to make for themselves.

Anywho, the rambling must stop. Thanks for reading.

I went in for the blood draw on Saturday, and waited almost two hours for them to draw 3 vials of blood. The lab also misplaced my paperwork, so that was another fiasco all together. Luckily, it was done fast, hurt little, and no bruising. Now, I just have to wait for this Saturday to complete the Clomid Challenge.

I started the clomid on Monday. I didn't really notice anything, no real changes. But last night about 3 hours after I took the second dose of Clomid, I felt crampy. I did a workout tape at home and then I felt really sick. Don't know if that had anything to do with the Clomid. I read that it would be helpful to cut down on the intake of caffine, so I am doing my best, but really, today, I am dying for a big cup of coffee. Or a big glass of Dr. Pepper....ah, heaven in a can.

Didn't get much sleep last night. I did have weird baby dreams last night...that's another story. I wonder if I will ever be a good mother? Or if I will be as disoriented and forgetful as I was in the dream. My biggest hope is that my future children grow up knowing they were loved and that I always put their needs first. I hope to be that selfless someday. But right now, I am focused on myself, I guess that is what part of this whole journey is about.

I sometimes think that I would have like to have known who the intended parents were. Not because I would want to have contact with the child, but because I would like to know what kind of people they are. It's a shot in the dark for me and for them. They don't know me at all either. Just what they read on that profile. For all they know, I could be crazy or vice versa.

Just counting down the days, nothing to do but wait and see. Hopefully I don't have any problems with the Clomid Challenge and we move forward.

At the beginning of the week, I received a rather large package from the clinic. It was filled will paperwork. I guess part of this whole process is the paperwork, a really big and long part. I finally got to it around 9pm last night. Finished it this morning and mailed it. In another package from the clinic, I received my clomid to be taken on Day 5 of my cycle through day 9. I am supposed to call the clinic and the agency case manager on the first day of my period, with a blood test on Day 3 for the initial screening. Start the clomid, then another blood test on Day 10. It's a good thing that I am not afraid of needles or we would be in trouble. I just hope that I don't have giant welts/bruises from all the blood draw. The people at my work are pretty nosy and next you know, I will be known as the drug addict.

I am traveling to the clinic towards the end of September. It will be a marathon of traveling. I will be leaving my home at 3am, returning at midnight. The schedule was much better than the one they previously gave. I have my day job obligations to fulfill and the original schedule was not conducive to that at all. Luckily, I was able to get around that. I am excited to get the process moving along. There are days that I wish I didn't feel like I was living a double life, but in many ways, I am. It is not socially acceptable to announce that you are donating your eggs, at least that is the way I see it. So when I ask for days off work to go to appointments or travel, it is always an awkward situation. At this point, I have a feeling that my supervisor thinks I am terminally ill. (I had to request days off for the previous attempt at donation too)Poor guy, he is probably wondering if I am contagious.

Since I brought up the subject, I will tell you why I say "attempted" at donating. Back in March 2006, I was matched with a couple. I was really excited because they would have been my first IPs. There were complications to begin with and things kept changing on me. I am a creature of habit. I like to know what is going on and when. But I was never kept in the loop. Eventually, things started moving along. I went through the screening, had vials and vials of blood drawn, flew out to their clinic, sonograms, etc. In May, I flew to the IP's clinic, met their RE and everything seems fine. We did a sonogram and found that because I had been on the pill for so long that my ovaries were quite surpressed.
Now, I know that had I been kept in the loop, I should have been told to discontinue use prior to the meeting (this is information I gathered from the internet and other fertility clinics).
They sent me on my way, saying that another sonogram will be performed when I get my period. I got my period only 2 weeks later, because at that time, they had me discontinue BCP.

I don't know why people would assume that after 2 weeks, my ovaries would be 100% normal again. But apparently, I had 7 follies. The program dropped me because they usually want to see 8. I was 1 short. I had to call repeatedly to find out why, no one was telling me anything. I got a random email saying "thanks" and that was it. I eventually spoke to the ovum donation coordinator and she told me that she did not believe it would be a permanent thing for me, the low follie count, because I had just gotten off the pill and my age. But they would not use me because they didn't want to wait and that their clinic was more interested in a "sure thing" because numbers are what bring in patients. I understood, but was deeply disappointed. Even more so, when I found out that my agency dropped me. They were supposed to get back to me and never have. I don't know why a simple email cannot be replied. Or a phone call. But everyone has their way of doing things. I do feel like that particular agency, though I really thought they had a wonderful staff, was extremely un-organized. I always had to be the one calling and setting up my appointments and etc.

I also had another experience that was also very disappointing. I was matched through another agency and I was very happy about it. But I had work and other obligates to tend to first. I asked for an extention to sign the contract, I said I would get back to them that day. Yes, it was my fault that I got caught up at work and didn't fax it before I left. But I went online an hour later to find that the case manager decided to email me and tell me that she will not use me because she felt that was taking too long. And she lectured me about how it was wrong for me to be signed to more than one agency. I can understand this point of view, but at the same time, once I commit, I commit all the way. It shouldn't matter how many agencies I am signed with. I tell them immediately that I am unavailable the second I am entertaining an match. I felt really badly for the IPs because I don't know what was said to them as to why we didn't match. I had every intention of matching with them. But alas, it didn't work out.

So the journey has been long for me. It is nowhere near as difficult for the IPs. I feel badly for those that I weren't able to help. I hope that this cycle goes well and a pregnancy can result. I know that those that explore this route are often at the end of the road and they deserve a healthy and happy child.

We will end that here, I don't want to say anything bad about either agency, and hope I did not. It just didn't work out and I have moved on. I hope they did find someone that could work for them (the IPs). I also hope that the agencies helping the IPs find their match have their best interest at heart at all times.

So far, not much has happened. I did receive a letter with insurance information, travel agency business card, and my case manager card the other day. I am a bit disturbed because I recently found out that this agency might not be 100% ethical, 100% of the time. I don't want to be any part of something like that. But I want to make sure that I don't disappoint the IP either. Right now, I am just opting to be optimistic and believe that there are good people in the agency. For the sake of myself and for the sake of the parents. I have thought about asking for some form of communication, but I fear that I might not be able to convey my worries to the IP without the agency interferring (if they really are as bad as I have read.) I also wonder if the cases were isolated instances? Lots to think about.

But other than all that drama...we are just waiting for the period to start so that we can move forward. Should be in another 2 weeks or so.

In the past few months, I have read a lot of blogs and articles about the donation process. The one question that seems to be on most people's minds is, "Who would do something like this and why?" It is unconventional and controversial, the jury is still out on this one. But here is my take on it: "Why not?" The mix of reactions that I have seen and experience with just the mere mentioning of this topic was pretty shocking. I always thought that we, Americans, were pretty open to things. But it seems just the reverse. Everything, no matter what good may result, is often seen as taboo.

It doesn't hurt anyone and both parties benefit from it. Those that use donor eggs are turning to it as a last resort, not as a way to genetically engineer a super baby. Those that donate (like myself) see how it can help someone as well as themselves. Two birds with one stone kind of thing. The money that the donor receives can be used for anything--I would hope that most people would use it for something good, instead of blowing it all on designer clothes or a fancy car. In my case, I would like to use the money to pay off my student loans send some overseas to support my family.

So who am I? Well, I would like to think of myself as just another woman, trying to make it in the world. I am in my mid-twenties, Asian, college and graduate school educated, average person. I do work full-time, doing my "real" job, donation money is actually an after thought. I don't live to do it, nor do I plan on doing it forever. It is not a means to an end for me. It strikes me as very funny when I read some of the mispreceptions of egg donors. One that was pretty consistent was that you had to be 5'10, blonde, super model, with Einstein IQ. Um...no. I am far from blonde and far from super model. I am tall for an Asian female and I believe I am easy on the eyes, so those are pluses for me. But most couples, from what I understand, are not looking for the next great engineer, they are looking for someone that looks like them--or at least, has the best chance to look like them. Yes, intelligence does matter to some, I have taken an IQ test for one couple, and yes, I did score really high...But that is probably true for most people that continue on beyond the four years of college.

Being taller, prettier, smarter doesn't guarantee that your eggs are any better or worse than someone else's. But one thing I did notice is that there is a shortage of "ethnic" donors. Meaning those that are not Caucasians. I hear it is because other cultures, like those in Asian cultures, donation is not viewed in a positive light. This is probably true. I donated blood in high school. I never saw anything wrong in it and always hoped that one day someone would do the same for me. If years down the road, when we are ready for a family and we can't, I would hope that there is some young woman out there that is willing to help us.

I view egg donations in the same way. The possible child that may result will never be "my child". It's parents will be those that raised and loved them. The people who were there the first time they took their first steps. They will be the people unable to sleep because the child has a cold. And their parents are the ones that will be there, taking their pictures the day they go off to their Senior prom, to college. It will never be me. In the same since, I would never ask that the person that received my blood to give it back later in life when I have leukemia.

Enough about me for now.

The papers have been drawn. An agreement has been signed. The journey is beginning.